For much of the past month, I have been on the road, away more than home. With school back in full swing, life for our family has been busy. As you know from my last post, my daughter recently broke her wrist. Surgery has, thus far, been avoided, but weekly trips to the orthopedic doctors continue. My husband has been a busy man. Needing to travel for work, I headed last week to ISPA in Las Vegas and then to the Bay Area.
With much gratitude and relief, I returned on Thursday. I was so happy to be home. I missed my son’s birthday and looked forward to celebrating with him. I definitely needed some family time. I sat down early Friday morning to follow up on all of my contacts and meetings from my trip. It felt good to be home tying up loose ends. On Friday my son asked if we could pick him up from school to avoid the long, dreaded bus ride home. My husband agreed to pick him up. Shortly after my husband’s departure, I received a call. He had just gotten in an accident. He was okay, a little shaken, but my car was seriously damaged, maybe totaled. An Amazon delivery guy had T-boned my car.
I immediately felt a fog of surrealism surround me. What? Totaled? I just got home and really didn’t want to deal with this. Because I hadn’t been there, I vacillated between disbelief and denial. I had almost the same reaction to my daughter’s broken wrist. What just happened? A second fluke accident in one month? What the heck is going on? Why now? Why my car?
I probably hadn’t realized up until this point how much I liked my car. Grateful I have always been, but not aware of my attachment to it. Having a great car in LA is a definite bonus. Eco friendly luxury I can rely on to get everyone from here to there. Satellite radio, reversed video, 6 cylinders and comfortable leather seats with a third row. I hear my friends reminding me of how it’s only a car and how lucky I am nobody was hurt. I do hear them. I am grateful and relieved; no one was in the passenger seat. The door was totally destroyed.
In spite of my gratitude I started to feel the exhaustion from traveling and weight of the situation shoving my heart about. I felt grief setting in. The news was disappointing and I didn’t feel like dealing with it. And like a good storm brewing, the tides of emotions started kicking up fiercely. AAA drops off my husband and I try to make sense of the whole situation. He was turning left from Ocean Park onto 20th. The Amazon guy doesn’t see him at all. His huge white van zoomed out from a parked position accelerating into the car, not even braking. I see some photos of a car I barely recognize.
The stormy waves begin to clash and collide. I go into my room and sit down on my meditation mat. The first big wave hits and I start to sob. I sob so hard I can’t remember ever crying this hard. Feelings from years of challenge emerge. I sit face to face with deep sadness and exhaustion. I call my Dad and he gently encourages me to have a good, old-fashioned cry. I sob some more. The sobbing releases a hold around my heart. I cannot be surprised to be handed this bomb, given I journeyed the day before asking how to be truly free to love. Life responded by setting me up to feel these heavy suppressions.
I know a totaled car is not the end of the world, not even close. I know most people prefer to avoid unwanted life changes, myself included on this Friday. I woke up the next morning lighter and relieved from the emotions released. I accept the car is probably not coming home and see the gift of this metaphorical bomb going off. I am still tired but emotionally relieved and energetically lighter. I am especially grateful for that.
So what else have I learned? Focusing on healing my heart is central to supporting the life changes I desire. Feeling the hurts and disappointments melts the heart’s protective walls constructed over time. Feeling my way out of this situation by actively looking for suppressed energies is job number one. I choose an undefended heart. I am still holding out hope the claims inspector doesn’t assess the car as being totaled, even though I know there is a good chance he will. Oh yeah, and, most of all, I discovered a concealed price for Amazon Prime’s speedy deliveries.